Growth Sucks

I didn't blog yesterday. I tried but I was too angry to say anything worth reading. I woke up angry this morning and wondered how I was going to get through this day. I remembered that I have been inspired and enlightened by The Artist's Way and I decided to really hit it hard today. Boy, am I glad I did.

Me

I think I had been avoiding the book a little because I didn't want to do the tasks. It's weird how reluctant I can be to do something that makes me happy. Anyway, one task was to imagine myself at 80 and to be really specific about the things that I had accomplished after age 50. Then I was to write a letter to my present self as my 80 year old self. I thought, 'wow this is really stupid. Also, I have no idea what direction my life is going right now, how can I envision life at 80?' Yeah, that's kind of the point. First I had to imagine my future personality and then I had to think of how that woman would see the woman I am today. I had to think of why she would feel an urgency to write me a letter; what difference she would possibly think it would mean to the people we would be in between now and then. I had to think about the goals that I consider to be most important, regardless of how I define myself now. It was eye-opening.

In the first chapter of The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron says that the tasks might seem silly but that you should do as many of them as possible. Especially the ones that appeal to you and the ones you rebel against. I see why now. Growth can be painful and we shy away from pain, even when it's necessary and especially when it's inevitable. We want to exercise our free will to avoid unpleasantness and seek superficial happiness rather than the deeper joy that comes from becoming more.

I guess what I need to remember is that this is a process that I have not completed. Is it so shocking that I didn't wake up as the new Martha Stewart or J.K Rowling or whatever? Yeah, it's a process and I'm in the middle of it. There will be more tough times, guaranteed. Maybe it's better to acknowledge that up front, eh?

Another of the tasks was to read Julia Cameron's "An Artist's Prayer" and to re-write it for yourself, then to read it everyday for a week. I will leave you with her version -- there were things that really resonated with me and there were things that I had to change to make it true for me. I encourage you to read this and then to rework it for yourself. Let's give it a week and see where it takes us.

AN ARTISTS PRAYER (Julia Cameron)
O Great Creator,
We are gathered together in your name
That we may be of greater service to you
And to our fellows.
We offer ourselves to you as instruments.
We open ourselves to your creativity in our lives.
We surrender to you our old ideas.
We welcome your new and more expansive ideas.
We trust that you will lead us.
We trust that it is safe to follow you.
We know you created us and that creativity
Is your nature and our own.
We ask you to unfold our lives
According to your plan, not our low self-worth.
Help us to believe that it is not too late
And that we are not too small or too flawed
To be healed -
By you and through each other - and made whole.
Help us to love one another,
To nurture each other's unfolding,
To encourage each other's growth,
And understand each other's fears.
Help us to know that we are not alone,
That we are loved and lovable.
Help us to create as an act of worship to you.

Victory Dance!

Awesomeness in progress...

YOU: Hey Melanie, what did you do today?

ME: (feigning an interest in my nails - ha, like I ever look at those!) Oh, nothing ... I just made two pillow cases for Alex ....

YOU: (for some reason this really excites you) What? No way! That's awesome! (You initiate a high five and I hesitate for just a split second so it's slightly awkward but I don't let it ruin the moment)

ME: I know!!! And they turned out really great; completely rectangular and very comparable in size to one another.

YOU: Well, that's just awesome. I wish I could say enough about the awesomeness but I ... I lack the words.

Ok, well maybe you aren't moved to tears by my pillow cases but I gotta say, I am giddy about completing them. I get that they are the grilled cheese sandwich of sewing but I so rarely sew that just getting the thread in all the right places and remembering to put the foot down (sorry noobs, that's sewing machine jargon) is pretty thrilling to me :)

What have we here?

The job hunt is in progress. So I am, naturally, desperate to complete a bunch of projects and they all have to be done NOW. I don't get it either, it's just the way my mind works. Here is one that I finished today ---->

I'm hoping the general idea is coming across in this picture. I feel that all this image proves is that I am not a photographer and that I need to paint my walls. Anyway, if you are planning to open an old fashioned bordello, I can clearly decorate the crap out of it. Or perhaps your hunting cabin could use a woman's touch. Look, I'm just saying - if your grandmother is a burlesque dancer, I might have a great gift.

Ha, I don't know why I'm being so sassy about it, I actually like it quite a bit and I think the picture doesn't do it justice. Inappropriate humor; just part of my charm.

I have a few other projects that I hope to take care of. I want to make Alex some pillow cases and I have already cut the material. Look how cute this is:

I've had the jungle print and the plaid-ish material for at least 10 years and have never used it. Sometimes, I am so odd. Anyway, the jungle one always kind of reminded me of scrubs a "fun" nurse would wear in a dentist office. It's called "jungle says cheese" -- I swear that's printed on the material, I did not make that up. The Cars material I got today at Hobby Lobby. Alex and I passed the cutting counter and they had it in the odds and ends basket. Alex immediately fell in love and started naming all the characters. So of course I tossed it in the basket and promised him a pillow case or something. I also have a couple of Sesame Street blankets to finish so there will probably be more pictures of my sewing machine lunacy later.

I've only cheated twice on the reading deprivation. Ugh, Facebook is like a train wreck - you can't look away! In this completely Mr. Bean moment, I was turning my head away and pulling the phone away from my face but still straining my eyes to see the screen. Oh and I checked out Twitter this morning before I remembered that I wasn't supposed to be reading. It's so automatic. Push a button, read stuff, brain off. I caught myself feeling bad for my Kindle last night, like it was a neglected pet or something. Good grief. If it did have feelings, it would probably be relieved that I'm not constantly filling it up with trashy novels anymore. I've basically been feeding it a steady diet of free books, mostly mysteries and thrillers, fantasy books, and paranormal romances. Don't judge me! I told you, I have a problem! I've actually read a few really great books ... Fine, and a bunch of poo. If I continue the food analogy, I've essentially been filling my brain with Doritos.

Well, I must be off. Let me know what you think of my progress.

Ta!

Books = Crack

Here is my life right now: chaos. I am trying to add a little order here and there but then I reach a point where I just want to watch Sherlock (BBC) and not think about anything but how much I love that show.

Sigh ...

Ok, it's not really as bad as all that. I'm wallowing and dramatizing. And I would watch Sherlock anyway because it's awesome.

Here's what I really wanted to talk to you about today: reading deprivation. As you know, I am reading The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. If you don't know this ... well, now you do. This book is a 12 week course (really more of a spiritual journey) in recovering or discovering your creativity. I know how that sounds; really, I do. I bathe regularly, I haven't participated in a drum circle, I don't listen to jam bands or smoke anything, and I have maintained gainful employment for most of my adult life. But I am a creative person who's been trying, and failing, to fit into the molds provided for me. I reached a point in my life in which nothing seemed like the right decision. I couldn't even answer the question "what do I want?" Honestly, I still can't fully answer that question but I feel like I'm getting closer.

I am in "week 4: Recovering a Sense of Integrity," although the time-scale is inaccurate because I have been moving more slowly than a chapter a week. So far, this book has been scary accurate and I have had at least one revelatory moment in each chapter. I don't want to ruin the book for anyone who chooses to read it (please, please read this book) and I don't want to get sued for ripping off Julia Cameron's intellectual property, so I'm not going to go in depth on the specific points in this book.

One of the revelations I've had in this chapter is that I use reading like other people use drugs. That sounds extreme but, when you break it down, it's true. I read to quiet my mind, to escape and to avoid. I fill my head with other people's words to hush the voice inside of me and to live vicariously through the characters. I read because it's easier than sorting out my feelings and opening myself up. It's a barrier and a shield and a tranquilizer and I had never realized that until a couple of days ago. I saw reading deprivation coming up in The Artist's Way and I almost lived out that moment on Friends when Joey puts Little Women in the freezer because he's freaked out about the direction it's going. I quickly put the book down and found busy work.

I marinated in the idea for a few hours. Then I went ahead and read the section a couple times. I slept on it. And I woke up this morning ready to commit to not reading for a week. That may be the most unexpected thing I have ever agreed to or written down. Right away I had to establish ground rules because I find ways to read all the time (I read the blurbs and ingredients on the backs of the containers in my bathroom while I brush my teeth. Seriously.) I can't go through and read tweets, blogs, emails, or Facebook posts unless they are correspondence with a friend. I already screwed up on this one a little -- damn you and your curious tweets, Neil Gaiman! I can't read headlines for celebrity gossip because, by God, I will click on that headline and I will learn that inane quasi-fact about that person I don't know or care about instead of doing something real and meaningful. Or at least productive.

In yet another coincidence of my life syncing up with The Artist's Way, I am job hunting. What a perfect time to not be distracted by social media and other gobbledy-gook! Hahaha! Weeee! I miss reading ....

HALLOWEEN!

I love Halloween. Every time I say it, I can feel my mother flinch. But I do! What a great holiday! Halloween is like the icing on the delicious spice cake that is Fall. I totally disagree with people who allege that Halloween is better for kids than adults - no way. I get to decorate the house! I get to carve a pumpkin and make pepitas! I get to dress up and put Alex (my almost 2 year old) in a costume! I get to eat his candy because, let's face it, what kind of parent would I be if I let him eat all of that crap?(!) I get to see all the kiddies in their costumes! I get to drink fall beers and flip between fun Halloween movies and football! All the best stores have spooky, fun stuff everywhere; ghosts and spiders and pumpkins and glitter! So ... much... glitter.

One of the best things is the Martha Stewart Halloween magazines that come out. What? Did I just say that out loud? YES! That woman can really do up a Halloween. I love her ideas -- they are clever and fun. Freeze olives in ice for spooky eyeball martinis. Make bat wings from an umbrella. Basically, she's the MacGyver of decorating and costuming. And if she's a little too perfect and unflappable, why not? Being creepy is certainly in tune with the season.



Thanks Mom!

If you are feeling like you might want to pooh-pooh the season, pull out Idle Hands or The Addams Family or even Labyrinth or Hellboy. There are a million great Halloween appropriate movies that don't involve disembowlings or decapitations. Eat snickerdoodle cookies and wash them down with a cider or a pumpkin ale. Buy some fake eyelashes. Listen to the Monster Mash. There's so much fun to be had this time of year, get into it!

Check out Dapper Diego...

The skull is complete! Here's how he turned out:

Pretty snazzy! I debated forever about the mustache and then finally decided that I simply wouldn't be happy unless I accessorized that grill. Now that I've made this debonair gentleman, uhhhhh .... what do I do with him? I have a couple ideas but I'd like to know what you think.

I saw something yesterday at Garden Ridge that I'm pretty sure I need. (Someday, I will make a list of all the Things I Need; the list is extensive and packed with items I clearly do not need.) Anyway, this particular item is a black, pre-lit Christmas tree. My brain absolutely rejects an image of that tree for Christmas - I'm pretty traditional when it comes to that holiday. No, I NEED it for Halloween. I briefly considered a purple tree but landed on the black one as my must-have for the gorgeous, kooky, sparkly Halloween tree that I would lovingly decorate every year. OH EM GEE! And then, to balance out the universe, I would need to get the white Christmas tree. For actual Christmas. But that's another story.