Growth Sucks

I didn't blog yesterday. I tried but I was too angry to say anything worth reading. I woke up angry this morning and wondered how I was going to get through this day. I remembered that I have been inspired and enlightened by The Artist's Way and I decided to really hit it hard today. Boy, am I glad I did.

Me

I think I had been avoiding the book a little because I didn't want to do the tasks. It's weird how reluctant I can be to do something that makes me happy. Anyway, one task was to imagine myself at 80 and to be really specific about the things that I had accomplished after age 50. Then I was to write a letter to my present self as my 80 year old self. I thought, 'wow this is really stupid. Also, I have no idea what direction my life is going right now, how can I envision life at 80?' Yeah, that's kind of the point. First I had to imagine my future personality and then I had to think of how that woman would see the woman I am today. I had to think of why she would feel an urgency to write me a letter; what difference she would possibly think it would mean to the people we would be in between now and then. I had to think about the goals that I consider to be most important, regardless of how I define myself now. It was eye-opening.

In the first chapter of The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron says that the tasks might seem silly but that you should do as many of them as possible. Especially the ones that appeal to you and the ones you rebel against. I see why now. Growth can be painful and we shy away from pain, even when it's necessary and especially when it's inevitable. We want to exercise our free will to avoid unpleasantness and seek superficial happiness rather than the deeper joy that comes from becoming more.

I guess what I need to remember is that this is a process that I have not completed. Is it so shocking that I didn't wake up as the new Martha Stewart or J.K Rowling or whatever? Yeah, it's a process and I'm in the middle of it. There will be more tough times, guaranteed. Maybe it's better to acknowledge that up front, eh?

Another of the tasks was to read Julia Cameron's "An Artist's Prayer" and to re-write it for yourself, then to read it everyday for a week. I will leave you with her version -- there were things that really resonated with me and there were things that I had to change to make it true for me. I encourage you to read this and then to rework it for yourself. Let's give it a week and see where it takes us.

AN ARTISTS PRAYER (Julia Cameron)
O Great Creator,
We are gathered together in your name
That we may be of greater service to you
And to our fellows.
We offer ourselves to you as instruments.
We open ourselves to your creativity in our lives.
We surrender to you our old ideas.
We welcome your new and more expansive ideas.
We trust that you will lead us.
We trust that it is safe to follow you.
We know you created us and that creativity
Is your nature and our own.
We ask you to unfold our lives
According to your plan, not our low self-worth.
Help us to believe that it is not too late
And that we are not too small or too flawed
To be healed -
By you and through each other - and made whole.
Help us to love one another,
To nurture each other's unfolding,
To encourage each other's growth,
And understand each other's fears.
Help us to know that we are not alone,
That we are loved and lovable.
Help us to create as an act of worship to you.